From Suffering to Suffering

From suffering to suffering, he had gradually arrived at the conviction that life is a war; and that in this war he was the conquered.

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

I thought those words would be my last to the world.  Words that run deep from one of my favourite books.  Aptly found in Volume I, Book Second – The Fall, Chapter VII. The Interior of Despair.

On November 5, 2015 I overdosed on 1500 units of short acting insulin, a bottle of benadryl, and half a bottle of vodka.  It was not my first suicide attempt.  The first was when I was 14.  It may not be my last in my lifetime.

I did not do it for pity or attention.  The elements that contributed to this attempt and those before are many and complex. Ultimately,  I wanted to cease being a burden on others.  I wanted to die.  I nearly did.  I awoke sad that I did not.

I do not now want pity.  

I do not believe things happen for a reason, that I lived for a reason. I’ve seen and experienced too much suffering for that.

I do think that things happen.  Period.  And I can only move forward, offering openly and with raw emotion my experiences, bearing witness to others in their struggles, and try to contribute in some small measure to the world I continue to live in.

I have not opened up publicly about my mental health history before my last post.  I have occasionally alluded to the truth.

It is now time to say the things that could not be said before.

I have nothing left to lose – no home, no blood relatives, no career, no money, no dignity, no ego.  

And perhaps by my candor, I might help save someone in the way that I cannot be saved.

*note: I am not currently suicidal
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One Response to From Suffering to Suffering

  1. sherry says:

    Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.
    Victor Hugo

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