Last night I was hanging out at the laundromat down the street and thinking about when I purchased my washer/dryer set in Austin. I was so hopeful. I had a job I loved and excitement on all that I could do to make a difference in this world. I remember telling myself that I’d made it and how great it would be that I’d never have to use a laundromat again.
All those years lugging laundry (mine and my mom’s for quite a while when she was too sick) to and from gunky washer/dryers in all kinds of weather – those years were gone. I remember studying for finals in high school in a small laundromat connected to the place where we stayed. I remember how cold it was, but at the time it was the only place I had to go with a place for me to sit and study without waking my mom.
I thought those days were long over, but the Alanis Morissette ironies of life have me back where I started. A lesson perhaps in that we’re never really all that far from the place we thought we’d left behind. Or a lesson maybe in losing the things you worked so hard for.
Weeks after getting the washer dryer, I’d lost the job (the organization was not so thrilled with my insistence that we try to be HIPAA compliant). And I killed myself. Only 300 units of insulin that time and a bottle of benadryl. But I 100% remember dying. There weren’t any white lights. No god or heaven. Just infinite peace. The kind of peace that could never exist in this world. No pain. No worry. only the purest peace – the kind you can’t imagine until you feel it.
I was revived. I lived. Everyday since I think/know had been a mistake. Every day since, I long for the moment I get to have that kind of peace again. One of the greatest cruelties in life is to know that such peace exists and yet it has been ripped away from you so that you might live in some sort of purgatory – acutely aware of pain and the disappointment you are to society.
You should all be relieved I’m doing the laundry. It means I’m least likely to kill myself when it’s done. I’ve often said tht, laundry takes too many spoons (energy) and if I’m going to spend that amount of spoons on something, I might as well stay alive to wear the clothes.
That said, if I ever do kill myself, sorry for all the dirty laundry (literally and literally [where literally takes in its new definition as figuratively]).