I wrote a tweet thread today but I think it’s important to post here too. Each tweet starts with ♦. And while the thoughts connect, they should stand alone as well.
There is a lot of pain in these words. Please have compassion.
September 27, 2017
♦ Re-upping this post after today: This stuff is not okay.
My Post: My Abuser Found Me Online
♦ I won’t live my life in the shadows even though I know it means my abusers can find me. I won’t stop being am advocate.
♦ Abusers seek to control – to control the narrative, to control another, to take control. It is insidious.
♦ Abusers are selfish. They want to make the conversation about them, negate your feelings, deny your pain, paint you as the bad one.
♦ People say “don’t hold in to the last” or “don’t let him win” or “focus on the good” but it is not that simple. The pain is manifest within.
♦ I do not get to change my reaction to triggers. I live it every day in my nightmares, in my body, in my mind. There is no escape.
♦ I always wondered why I couldn’t fix my reactions to triggers. If I’m smart surely I could figure it out. But it’s not that easy.
♦ If I could think my way out of complex PTSD and borderline personality, I would have already.
♦ Unfortunately years of CBT, DBT, ACT, psychotherapy, inpatient psych wards, intensive outpatient groups – none of it has taken away the pain.
♦ Many of the current therapies require something taken from me when I was young – the very way my brain developed & how it handles fear.
♦ Decades of reinforcement of the abuse in a variety of ways has kept the fear present & fortified neuronal connections to ensure it persists
♦ There’s no way to think oneself out of BPD, it is a biological and brain-based disorder. Therapy/meds can help people manage it.
♦ For some, DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) is a god send. While it is good and useful, it is not sufficient for me.
♦ DBT takes a level of cognition not always available to me when I’m in fear and pain. The therapy doesn’t work for everyone.
♦ Even though BPD and complex PTSD can be manageable, I’ve never read a study that assures 100% effectiveness or remission by any therapy.
♦ I started
@TheResearchLoop after yrs of studying this disease, reading textbooks, talking with researchers. BPD is still not well understood.
♦ There’s not enough research for BPD. There are no FDA approved medications. Management is complex and imperfect.
♦ My abusers took and take so much of my life. It’s not as easy as forgiveness or moving on our looking at the bright side of life.
♦ In fact, perpetuating the idea that positivity/positive self statements will hep, can actually do more harm
My Blog Post: The Downside of Up
♦ What can be done to help me and others with BPD/cPTSD? Validation is a start.
♦ To help people with BPD, the stigma around us both from the public AND mental health & medical providers needs to change.
Article by Sean Erreger, LCSW, and April Foreman, Ph.D.: “That’s So Borderline” – #LanguageMatters When Talking About Borderline Personality Disorder
♦ BPD is the most stigmatized mental health disorder among mental health and medical providers. The research proves that.
♦ Beyond validation & reducing the stigma of BPD by reading about it or talking to us, you can have compassion. Don’t judge or label.
♦ Have patience for those of us with cPTSD/BPD.
♦ My abusers will try to change & control the narrative. They’ll point to me as “crazy,” they’ll say I’m bad for not forgiving and letting go.
♦ My abusers live within me at various levels. They shattered my mind and body in ways that may never be repaired.
♦ There is enough research to believe my autoimmune diseases including type 1, celiac, hypothyroidism, RA were caused in part by the abuse.
♦ I’m finding sensorimotor therapy and the concepts of structural dissociation to be a game changer in my healing.
♦ The people who support, validate and don’t leave even when it’s “too hard” or even scary, are the ones that help me heal
♦ I am fragile in ways I cannot explain.
♦ One of my abusers took away the goodness of my birthday yesterday. I didn’t “let” him, he just took it. It’s unfair & deeply sad.
♦ In the past 2 months I’ve started saying the things I never talk about out loud.
♦ How could it be that a family made a 14 year old feel that the world would be better off without them?
♦ How could it be a child would try to kill themselves because they knew their family would be happier without them? Without me.
♦ Because I’m speaking, so much is dredged up. I’m scared and afraid there is no center to grasp in the chaos. Small things trigger me easily.
♦ One of my abusers contacting me by email on my birthday was too much yesterday. I feel small and frightened and sad beyond measure today.
♦ I will persist because I have no choice. But I will be in pain most can’t understand, can’t fathom. Both mentally and physically.
♦ I will try to make something good of the pain. It wasn’t meant to be, but out can be transformed in some ways.
♦ I am am advocate for change. I want to alleviate suffering or at least compassionately bear witness to those who suffer so they’re not alone.
♦ Through advocacy, I want children to know protection and love, patients to know less pain, providers to be better healers.
♦ So I will not stand by quietly. (Amended graphic from
♦ I will use my voice and my pain.
Most images are care of Beauty After Bruises.
Update 11/11/17 – After learning of Louis CK’s sexually predatory behavior, I chose to remove a graphic with a quote by him.