I won’t live my life in the shadows

I wrote a tweet thread today but I think it’s important to post here too.  Each tweet starts with ♦.  And while the thoughts connect, they should stand alone as well.

There is a lot of pain in these words. Please have compassion.

September 27, 2017

♦ Re-upping this post after today: This stuff is not okay.

My Post: My Abuser Found Me Online

♦ I won’t live my life in the shadows even though I know it means my abusers can find me. I won’t stop being am advocate.

♦ Abusers seek to control – to control the narrative, to control another, to take control. It is insidious.

♦ Abusers are selfish. They want to make the conversation about them, negate your feelings, deny your pain, paint you as the bad one.

♦ People say “don’t hold in to the last” or “don’t let him win” or “focus on the good” but it is not that simple. The pain is manifest within.

♦ I do not get to change my reaction to triggers. I live it every day in my nightmares, in my body, in my mind. There is no escape.

♦ I always wondered why I couldn’t fix my reactions to triggers. If I’m smart surely I could figure it out. But it’s not that easy.

♦ If I could think my way out of complex PTSD and borderline personality, I would have already.

♦ Unfortunately years of CBT, DBT, ACT, psychotherapy, inpatient psych wards, intensive outpatient groups – none of it has taken away the pain.

♦ Many of the current therapies require something taken from me when I was young – the very way my brain developed & how it handles fear.

♦ Decades of reinforcement of the abuse in a variety of ways has kept the fear present & fortified neuronal connections to ensure it persists

♦ There’s no way to think oneself out of BPD, it is a biological and brain-based disorder. Therapy/meds can help people manage it.

♦ For some, DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) is a god send. While it is good and useful, it is not sufficient for me.

♦ DBT takes a level of cognition not always available to me when I’m in fear and pain. The therapy doesn’t work for everyone.

♦ Even though BPD and complex PTSD can be manageable, I’ve never read a study that assures 100% effectiveness or remission by any therapy.

♦ I started after yrs of studying this disease, reading textbooks, talking with researchers. BPD is still not well understood.

♦ There’s not enough research for BPD. There are no FDA approved medications. Management is complex and imperfect.

My Blog Post: Big Pharma Needs to Make a Resolution to Address Borderline Personality Disorder

♦ My abusers took and take so much of my life. It’s not as easy as forgiveness or moving on our looking at the bright side of life.

♦ In fact, perpetuating the idea that positivity/positive self statements will hep, can actually do more harm

My Blog Post: The Downside of Up

♦  What can be done to help me and others with BPD/cPTSD? Validation is a start.

♦  To help people with BPD, the stigma around us both from the public AND mental health & medical providers needs to change.

Article by Sean Erreger, LCSW, and April Foreman, Ph.D.: “That’s So Borderline” – #LanguageMatters When Talking About Borderline Personality Disorder

♦  BPD is the most stigmatized mental health disorder among mental health and medical providers. The research proves that.

♦  Beyond validation & reducing the stigma of BPD by reading about it or talking to us, you can have compassion. Don’t judge or label.

♦  Have patience for those of us with cPTSD/BPD.

♦  My abusers will try to change & control the narrative. They’ll point to me as “crazy,” they’ll say I’m bad for not forgiving and letting go.

♦  My abusers live within me at various levels. They shattered my mind and body in ways that may never be repaired.

♦  There is enough research to believe my autoimmune diseases including type 1, celiac, hypothyroidism, RA were caused in part by the abuse.

♦  I’m finding sensorimotor therapy and the concepts of structural dissociation to be a game changer in my healing.

♦  The people who support, validate and don’t leave even when it’s “too hard” or even scary, are the ones that help me heal

♦  I am fragile in ways I cannot explain. 

♦  One of my abusers took away the goodness of my birthday yesterday. I didn’t “let” him, he just took it. It’s unfair & deeply sad.

♦  In the past 2 months I’ve started saying the things I never talk about out loud.

♦  How could it be that a family made a 14 year old feel that the world would be better off without them?

♦  How could it be a child would try to kill themselves because they knew their family would be happier without them? Without me.

♦  Because I’m speaking, so much is dredged up. I’m scared and afraid there is no center to grasp in the chaos. Small things trigger me easily.

♦  One of my abusers contacting me by email on my birthday was too much yesterday. I feel small and frightened and sad beyond measure today.

♦  I will persist because I have no choice. But I will be in pain most can’t understand, can’t fathom. Both mentally and physically.

♦  I will try to make something good of the pain. It wasn’t meant to be, but out can be transformed in some ways.

♦  I am am advocate for change. I want to alleviate suffering or at least compassionately bear witness to those who suffer so they’re not alone.

♦  Through advocacy, I want children to know protection and love, patients to know less pain, providers to be better healers.

♦  So I will not stand by quietly. (Amended graphic from )

♦  I will use my voice and my pain.



Most images are care of Beauty After Bruises.

Update 11/11/17 – After learning of Louis CK’s sexually predatory behavior, I chose to remove a graphic with a quote by him.


4 Responses to I won’t live my life in the shadows

  1. Alice says:

    I believe that you speak the truth about your abuse. Your abusers are and will always be perpetrators. They are unworthy of forgiveness. Continue to expose them when you are strong and can withstand the pain. I in turn will continue to admire your courage and service to others similarly situated.

  2. unanim us says:

    † Thank you, and I Thank God for your Courage and Energy in REFUSING to “live in the shadows”. Thank you for being the voice of our ailing society, where change is vertiginous, yet IMPROVEMENT is not the goal of the plutocracy who controls it. I know that when you ask for “change” you are crying for BETTERMENT, yet the word IMPROVEMENT vanished from our vocabulary since most of us are afraid to use it …
    Yet even without it you are able communicate it. Hold On To God †

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