I Won’t Smile

April 24, 2017

“If you smile, I’ll send you to the dean’s office,” my high school philosophy teacher warned me.

It was an exercise, a test to see if I could go an entire day without smiling.

I failed and in front of my peers he picked a fight and sent me to the dean’s office.  A first (and last) for someone who prided themselves on being the perfect student.

And that moment forever changed my life.

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Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder

February 14, 2016

why are you single

 

Once upon a time, I had a wonderful cadre of friends. I held game nights and wrote long letters. I sent cards for every holiday and stayed on friend’s couches when they were having a tough time. I strove to ensure that they knew how much I loved them.

Still, I lost many friends. Relationships failed over and over again because of my own actions driven my BPD symptoms. And any attempt I made to date ended in disaster.

I hurt anyone who got too close.

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The Duck Question

January 20, 2016

A few years ago, my doctor encouraged me to read The Catcher in the Rye.  When I read it, he told me:

So many times, I saw you as Holden Caulfield.  A really good person that, at times, refused to see the world for what it was despite how you were treated.  How you care for your kids and wanting to stop them from suffering any of the ways you ever did.  How much you care for those around you and your selfless acts towards everyone you come in contact with.  It was really the image of the title of the book—I could see you as the catcher in the rye field trying to protect the innocence of your kids and at the same time, you, as one of the kids wishing someone had been there to prevent you from going (being taken) over the edge.

The words were quite kind and I carry them with me.  But when I read The Catcher in the Rye, I was more drawn to what I call “the duck question” – which for me translates to “was it bad?”

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Bliss

January 1, 2016

now may every living thing 2


Laundry

December 9, 2015

Last night I was hanging out at the laundromat down the street and thinking about when I purchased my washer/dryer set in Austin. I was so hopeful. I had a job I loved and excitement on all that I could do to make a difference in this world. I remember telling myself that I’d made it and how great it would be that I’d never have to use a laundromat again.

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From Suffering to Suffering

December 1, 2015

From suffering to suffering, he had gradually arrived at the conviction that life is a war; and that in this war he was the conquered.

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

I thought those words would be my last to the world.  Words that run deep from one of my favourite books.  Aptly found in Volume I, Book Second – The Fall, Chapter VII. The Interior of Despair.

On November 5, 2015 I overdosed on 1500 units of short acting insulin, a bottle of benadryl, and half a bottle of vodka.  It was not my first suicide attempt.  The first was when I was 14.  It may not be my last in my lifetime.

I did not do it for pity or attention.  The elements that contributed to this attempt and those before are many and complex. Ultimately,  I wanted to cease being a burden on others.  I wanted to die.  I nearly did.  I awoke sad that I did not.

I do not now want pity.  

I do not believe things happen for a reason, that I lived for a reason. I’ve seen and experienced too much suffering for that.

I do think that things happen.  Period.  And I can only move forward, offering openly and with raw emotion my experiences, bearing witness to others in their struggles, and try to contribute in some small measure to the world I continue to live in.

I have not opened up publicly about my mental health history before my last post.  I have occasionally alluded to the truth.

It is now time to say the things that could not be said before.

I have nothing left to lose – no home, no blood relatives, no career, no money, no dignity, no ego.  

And perhaps by my candor, I might help save someone in the way that I cannot be saved.

*note: I am not currently suicidal

Bearing Witness

November 3, 2015

A powerful post was recently published entitled Everything Doesn’t Happen for a Reason by Tim Lawrence.  Before you continue to read the following, please read his impactful words.

This post has resonated with many – especially the epatient community that faces incredible struggles each day.  It is something I often tell my friends who try to reassure me that everything happens to a reason, but few understand until they really experience true pain and hardship.

Lawrence quotes his friend, Megan Devine:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. 

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