A Brief Tantrum

March 21, 2016

Caution: swear words below

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I am in no mood today. Read the rest of this entry »


Car Crash

February 22, 2016

I’ve been in a number of car crashes in my life, 2 which were severe and left me with chronic ailments – one involving the driver swerving to miss deer (chronic pain issues resulted) and the other involving a lady having a seizure and driving straight into me (requiring spine surgery and leaves me with occipital neuralgia and cervicogenic headaches).  But as a result of Borderline Personality Disorder I have experienced many more emotional crashes – as damaging and irrevocable as the totaled cars I emerged from.

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Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder

February 14, 2016

why are you single

 

Once upon a time, I had a wonderful cadre of friends. I held game nights and wrote long letters. I sent cards for every holiday and stayed on friend’s couches when they were having a tough time. I strove to ensure that they knew how much I loved them.

Still, I lost many friends. Relationships failed over and over again because of my own actions driven my BPD symptoms. And any attempt I made to date ended in disaster.

I hurt anyone who got too close.

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I Believe in Change

February 1, 2016

I believe in the power of reaching out to the politicians who represent me.  Having worked for a state legislature, I know that when constituents call or write in about specific issues, they are noted.  Politicians do listen and often your voice can bolster their ability to make change.

Unfortunately, my experiences in the last few years have served to show me how far removed my representatives are from understanding the plight of those with disabilities – including mental and physical illness, in poverty, and homeless.

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The Duck Question

January 20, 2016

A few years ago, my doctor encouraged me to read The Catcher in the Rye.  When I read it, he told me:

So many times, I saw you as Holden Caulfield.  A really good person that, at times, refused to see the world for what it was despite how you were treated.  How you care for your kids and wanting to stop them from suffering any of the ways you ever did.  How much you care for those around you and your selfless acts towards everyone you come in contact with.  It was really the image of the title of the book—I could see you as the catcher in the rye field trying to protect the innocence of your kids and at the same time, you, as one of the kids wishing someone had been there to prevent you from going (being taken) over the edge.

The words were quite kind and I carry them with me.  But when I read The Catcher in the Rye, I was more drawn to what I call “the duck question” – which for me translates to “was it bad?”

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I Didn’t Want to Die Alone

January 3, 2016

December 18, 2015 was a pretty cold day.  It’d been a cold week.  That Friday evening was warmer than the previous nights I’d spent sleeping in my car, but it was still cold. And dark.

Many things led up to my suicidal actions that night (I won’t call it an attempt – this wasn’t a mere attempt, these were dedicated actions) – homelessness, poor health, feeling a burden, and much more.  And then I did it.

But something quite different happened this time – a feeling that I’ve never before experienced:  I didn’t want to die alone.

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Taking, Giving, and Feeling Like a Burden

December 29, 2015

I will preface this by saying that there is probably nothing you can say to convince me that I am not a burden.  It’s not that I don’t hear your words, but my mind will counter them with a million examples to prove to you just what a burden I am.

Suicide for me has never been about escaping pain.  I suspect for many it is not.  Rather, I have attempted suicide time and again because I come to a place where I feel like too much of a burden and I am utterly convinced that the world would be better without me.  When I look at the bigger picture, I have taken more than I can ever give back and thus I should not exist.

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