Have you considered?

June 8, 2016

Three doctors have now fired me following the message I sent to all my providers.  I honestly am not completely surprised though I am deeply disappointed. I think that we can do better than this in healthcare.  I think patients deserve better.

However, I’m not sure that the doctors I’ve written understand how I came to the decision to write them all as I have been asked “have you considered…?” on more than one occasion. And the answer each time I’ve been asked is, yes. Yes I did consider a number of things before pressing send.

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Who am I.

May 22, 2016

The Monday after my last post I felt incredibly supported by the epatient community (and many of the providers that make up that community too). I felt a bit of a high thinking – Yes! This is what advocacy is about! I’m not crazy! Other people feel this too! This means something!

Then the next day, my emotions took a marked turn and I started to feel bitter or just more frustrated. The patients get it. But the providers don’t.

I went to an appointment and walked out with the express feeling that I was being asked to sacrifice more of myself, my time, my energy.  After, I went to the pharmacy, where because CVS bought Target Pharmacy – CVS which I expressly left because of their horrible service – my prescription was not filled and my insurance was messed up.  And all I could think is that there is no more of me to give. There is nothing left of me. I have given it all to health and healthcare and been sucked into the maelstrom of tests and medicines and procedures, doctors and therapists, industry and politics. I have given everything and I have no idea who I am.

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To All My Providers

May 13, 2016

Recently I have written a lot of long missives to separate providers and the administration of the health center where they practice regarding everything from emails to insurance coverage to health issues to theories of patient engagement and care. For weeks I’ve been debating whether to simultaneously email my entire care team and tonight felt that I was ready to do so.

This is a message to all my providers:

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The Real Access Issues

May 6, 2016

Recently, the diabetes online community has been in a bit of an uproar over United Healthcare’s decision to name the Medtronic insulin pump as the preferred pump for all on its plan.  #MyPumpMyChoice and #DiabetesAccessMatters are added to every tweet on the issue as people debate choice in health care, health care costs, and access to healthcare in general (though mostly around tech – i.e. insulin pumps).

For some time now I have been rather frustrated with the larger issues of access, the ones that don’t get talked about as much and don’t have popular hashtags, the ones that aren’t sexy but are often more critical.  And those include basics like access to dental care and eye care and mental health care – (and I know this will piss many off) but what I think are the real access issues.

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A Brief Tantrum

March 21, 2016

Caution: swear words below

image

I am in no mood today. Read the rest of this entry »


Car Crash

February 22, 2016

I’ve been in a number of car crashes in my life, 2 which were severe and left me with chronic ailments – one involving the driver swerving to miss deer (chronic pain issues resulted) and the other involving a lady having a seizure and driving straight into me (requiring spine surgery and leaves me with occipital neuralgia and cervicogenic headaches).  But as a result of Borderline Personality Disorder I have experienced many more emotional crashes – as damaging and irrevocable as the totaled cars I emerged from.

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Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder

February 14, 2016

why are you single

 

Once upon a time, I had a wonderful cadre of friends. I held game nights and wrote long letters. I sent cards for every holiday and stayed on friend’s couches when they were having a tough time. I strove to ensure that they knew how much I loved them.

Still, I lost many friends. Relationships failed over and over again because of my own actions driven my BPD symptoms. And any attempt I made to date ended in disaster.

I hurt anyone who got too close.

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