I Need to Tell You I’m Having a Panic Attack

April 29, 2016

…But I’m not capable of explaining to you in this moment what is going on in my mind and body.


Thus my question tonight, how do you help someone know you are experiencing a panic attack or in the middle of a PTSD attack when you most need help?

Read the rest of this entry »

The 4/8 Rule

April 12, 2016

4 hours a day
8 hours a week.

The 4/8 rule.

I’m not sure exactly when I came up with the 4/8 rule but it had to be sometime after the watch incident. After that I decided it was probably best if I didn’t stay outside my apartment for more than 4 hours in one day or 8 hours per week. It was and is a way to protect myself but it’s also meant not living a full life.

Read the rest of this entry »

A Brief Tantrum

March 21, 2016

Caution: swear words below


I am in no mood today. Read the rest of this entry »

Car Crash

February 22, 2016

I’ve been in a number of car crashes in my life, 2 which were severe and left me with chronic ailments – one involving the driver swerving to miss deer (chronic pain issues resulted) and the other involving a lady having a seizure and driving straight into me (requiring spine surgery and leaves me with occipital neuralgia and cervicogenic headaches).  But as a result of Borderline Personality Disorder I have experienced many more emotional crashes – as damaging and irrevocable as the totaled cars I emerged from.

Read the rest of this entry »

Changing the Guard

February 19, 2016

There’s this image in my head of a soldier, dressed in armor pacing back and forth, back and forth along a wall guarding my heart and myself. It’s hypervigilant, never able to rest – no stopping, not even for a sip of water. Just back and forth, back and forth.

So many years, back and forth with no change of guard.

Read the rest of this entry »

Medical Trauma – 2 Years Later

February 17, 2016

The last week or so I have not slept well.  I have had this foreboding anxiety that just will not settle even when I am desperately tired and in great need of rest.  Yet it makes sense as today marks 2 quite significant anniversaries that happened in the last 2 years.  On February 17, 2014, I entered an ER in Austin and into a medical encounter that will forever be seared in my body and mind.  And on February 17, 2015, I left Austin for Maryland and entered into the journey of this last year which has been one of my greatest struggles.

On this occasion, as I did last year, I wrote again to the hospital and doctors.  I don’t know if I will do this every year, but I feel with the events still fresh in my mind and the opportunity for change that is at hand, I must say something.  And I was only further inspired to address this issue once again after some recent discussions with others of the impact of medical trauma.

I will not go into the details of the hospitalization here.  That can be left for another time.  Today I share the email as I think it might speak to something bigger than my own experiences.

Read the rest of this entry »

Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder

February 14, 2016

why are you single


Once upon a time, I had a wonderful cadre of friends. I held game nights and wrote long letters. I sent cards for every holiday and stayed on friend’s couches when they were having a tough time. I strove to ensure that they knew how much I loved them.

Still, I lost many friends. Relationships failed over and over again because of my own actions driven my BPD symptoms. And any attempt I made to date ended in disaster.

I hurt anyone who got too close.

Read the rest of this entry »


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,114 other followers