I Need to Tell You I’m Having a Panic Attack

April 29, 2016

…But I’m not capable of explaining to you in this moment what is going on in my mind and body.

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Thus my question tonight, how do you help someone know you are experiencing a panic attack or in the middle of a PTSD attack when you most need help?

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The 4/8 Rule

April 12, 2016

4 hours a day
8 hours a week.

The 4/8 rule.

I’m not sure exactly when I came up with the 4/8 rule but it had to be sometime after the watch incident. After that I decided it was probably best if I didn’t stay outside my apartment for more than 4 hours in one day or 8 hours per week. It was and is a way to protect myself but it’s also meant not living a full life.

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A Brief Tantrum

March 21, 2016

Caution: swear words below

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I am in no mood today. Read the rest of this entry »


Car Crash

February 22, 2016

I’ve been in a number of car crashes in my life, 2 which were severe and left me with chronic ailments – one involving the driver swerving to miss deer (chronic pain issues resulted) and the other involving a lady having a seizure and driving straight into me (requiring spine surgery and leaves me with occipital neuralgia and cervicogenic headaches).  But as a result of Borderline Personality Disorder I have experienced many more emotional crashes – as damaging and irrevocable as the totaled cars I emerged from.

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Changing the Guard

February 19, 2016

There’s this image in my head of a soldier, dressed in armor pacing back and forth, back and forth along a wall guarding my heart and myself. It’s hypervigilant, never able to rest – no stopping, not even for a sip of water. Just back and forth, back and forth.

So many years, back and forth with no change of guard.

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Medical Trauma – 2 Years Later

February 17, 2016

The last week or so I have not slept well.  I have had this foreboding anxiety that just will not settle even when I am desperately tired and in great need of rest.  Yet it makes sense as today marks 2 quite significant anniversaries that happened in the last 2 years.  On February 17, 2014, I entered an ER in Austin and into a medical encounter that will forever be seared in my body and mind.  And on February 17, 2015, I left Austin for Maryland and entered into the journey of this last year which has been one of my greatest struggles.

On this occasion, as I did last year, I wrote again to the hospital and doctors.  I don’t know if I will do this every year, but I feel with the events still fresh in my mind and the opportunity for change that is at hand, I must say something.  And I was only further inspired to address this issue once again after some recent discussions with others of the impact of medical trauma.

I will not go into the details of the hospitalization here.  That can be left for another time.  Today I share the email as I think it might speak to something bigger than my own experiences.

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Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder

February 14, 2016

why are you single

 

Once upon a time, I had a wonderful cadre of friends. I held game nights and wrote long letters. I sent cards for every holiday and stayed on friend’s couches when they were having a tough time. I strove to ensure that they knew how much I loved them.

Still, I lost many friends. Relationships failed over and over again because of my own actions driven my BPD symptoms. And any attempt I made to date ended in disaster.

I hurt anyone who got too close.

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