I Believe in Change

February 1, 2016

I believe in the power of reaching out to the politicians who represent me.  Having worked for a state legislature, I know that when constituents call or write in about specific issues, they are noted.  Politicians do listen and often your voice can bolster their ability to make change.

Unfortunately, my experiences in the last few years have served to show me how far removed my representatives are from understanding the plight of those with disabilities – including mental and physical illness, in poverty, and homeless.

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The Duck Question

January 20, 2016

A few years ago, my doctor encouraged me to read The Catcher in the Rye.  When I read it, he told me:

So many times, I saw you as Holden Caulfield.  A really good person that, at times, refused to see the world for what it was despite how you were treated.  How you care for your kids and wanting to stop them from suffering any of the ways you ever did.  How much you care for those around you and your selfless acts towards everyone you come in contact with.  It was really the image of the title of the book—I could see you as the catcher in the rye field trying to protect the innocence of your kids and at the same time, you, as one of the kids wishing someone had been there to prevent you from going (being taken) over the edge.

The words were quite kind and I carry them with me.  But when I read The Catcher in the Rye, I was more drawn to what I call “the duck question” – which for me translates to “was it bad?”

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I’m Not Ashamed

January 12, 2016

This morning I woke up to find my #imnotashamed tweet in the Huffington Post.


With that tweet I declared that I’m not ashamed of my mental health diagnoses.

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I Didn’t Want to Die Alone

January 3, 2016

December 18, 2015 was a pretty cold day.  It’d been a cold week.  That Friday evening was warmer than the previous nights I’d spent sleeping in my car, but it was still cold. And dark.

Many things led up to my suicidal actions that night (I won’t call it an attempt – this wasn’t a mere attempt, these were dedicated actions) – homelessness, poor health, feeling a burden, and much more.  And then I did it.

But something quite different happened this time – a feeling that I’ve never before experienced:  I didn’t want to die alone.

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Big Pharma Needs to Make a Resolution to Address Borderline Personality Disorder

January 2, 2016

Though 1.6% of the U.S. population have borderline personality disorder (some studies suggest actually up to 5.9% have the diagnosis), as of right now, there are NO FDA approved medications for the treatment of BPD.  I ask this year that Big Pharma make a resolution to address the treatment of and stigma surrounding BPD.

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January 1, 2016

now may every living thing 2

Taking, Giving, and Feeling Like a Burden

December 29, 2015

I will preface this by saying that there is probably nothing you can say to convince me that I am not a burden.  It’s not that I don’t hear your words, but my mind will counter them with a million examples to prove to you just what a burden I am.

Suicide for me has never been about escaping pain.  I suspect for many it is not.  Rather, I have attempted suicide time and again because I come to a place where I feel like too much of a burden and I am utterly convinced that the world would be better without me.  When I look at the bigger picture, I have taken more than I can ever give back and thus I should not exist.

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